That helpless feeling

Normally when I've been yakking about real life it's been about myself. Today I'm going to mention someone who's very near and dear to me. My cat. Radar.

Radar is so very important to me. Radar is mine. It's hard to explain what he means to me but I'll try. Family is important to me. I come from a good size group. My family is important to me but they aren't mine alone. It's my parent's family. I'm part of it but I'm not the one who has the care of it. Radar is my responsibility. I don't have a boyfriend or children but I have my Radar. He's my family and mine alone.

Radar is a clingy little monster. And I love him for it. When I come home he's there to greet me. He becomes mopey when I'm away for awhile. I have no idea what a mopey cat looks like but my family claims that if I'm gone he's the very picture of mopey. He trails me from floor to floor and sometimes even from room to room. And when he gets the chance he loves to snuggle.

When I play WoW he's always there. I used to have a struggle trying to keep him away from my keyboard where he would try to sit as close to my chest as he could get. For some reason he loves to sit in my arms but he won't tolerate sitting on my lap. At first I tried to get him to stay on the bed and he'd curl up on one of his favorite pillows. We finally reached a compromise when I gave him the keyboard try with either a pillow or a blanket on it and moved my keyboard on top of the desk. He gets to pretend he's sitting in my arms and I no longer have a cat being annoying. And the bonus is I get to hold 15 pounds of purring fluff while I'm raiding. That's never a bad thing.

This week I didn't get to hold my cat. Tuesday I had to take Radar to the vets for his shots. He doesn't usually hold grudges. He was snuggly earlier but he managed to get himself locked in the garage. But he was fine on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday I had a raid with Spoiled Milk. The night started good with Radar suggled in my arms. Then he took off. That wasn't unusual. He sometimes wakes up enough to realize being sprawled on his back isn't dignified and takes off in a huff. I saw him in the room later. He was on his tower. The night ended and I picked him up and the first odd thing happened. He mewed.

It's not that Radar doesn't sometimes chat. Usually when he's hungry or if I wake him up. This was odd. And he made another noise as I stroked him. And he didn't want to settle in my arms. He jumped onto the bed and curled up. He just seemed odd. But since it was 3 am and there wasn't much I could do for him. I decided to get some sleep and see if he was still odd in the morning.

I woke up and left my room to see a giant mess from a cat. I knew then something was definitely wrong with my Radar. I quickly found him and he really did not like being picked up. He just mewed. So I asked my family what they thought. My dad is a lot tougher than me. He's had to raise alot of animals, do whatever he could to help them, and make that call of when to put them down and then do so. I've had a few pets over the years and I still get tears in my eyes when I remember the day I told my dad to stop wasting time and to do something with my horse. I knew that day what that something would be. I made that choice but I'm also very glad that I was at school and no where near home when my horse was put down. All I really knew is that my cat hurt and I couldn't do anything to help him.

After a call to the vet to ask if anyone was doing rounds and could squeeze in a visit to look at my cat we learnt that the vet had an emergency and couldn't take a look at him. We were told to give him some antibiotics and he'd either get better, stay the same, or if it was something truly nasty he wouldn't make it until Monday when the vet would be in the office and could actually run some tests. I suppose it might sound a little harsh. But... I can also understand it. I tried to tell myself that there wasn't anything more I could do for him. But he still hurt. And he kept throwing up.

So I began to look things up online. I know, I know! It's not a very good way to diagnose stuff. You read about these weird and exotic conditions and become convinced you have something that's going to kill you when all you have is a cold. But... I wanted to know. And the more I read the more convinced I was that something was really wrong with my cat. I tried to put it out of my mind. Hopefully he could make it until Monday. It was just two more days. But.... he hurt and I could do nothing for him. I felt so helpless. I spent a good part of the day crying and another part berating myself for being so weak as to cry. I felt like a tangled mess.

This morning he was worse. And I shared my fears about what he may have. A urinary blockage. And it would be deadly for him. And he was getting worse. I was terrified for him. My mom went to have a conversation with my dad. I don't know what went on but he called the vet who agreed to go the office so he could take a look at my cat. It didn't take much of a look to realize my worst fears were answered. Radar was blocked.

He's still at the vet's office right now. But I feel much better knowing he's been cared for. He had to stay overnight. This place seems so empty without him. I'm hoping he'll be much better tomorrow. I won't be there when he gets home. I've got an appointment to see the doctor myself. Something about more tests. But I'm so mad at myself. I'm supposed to be an adult but I couldn't even take care of this situation. He's my family and I didn't care for him. I should have insisted yesterday that he needed to be seen. I should have done more. I should stop now. I know if I keep on this train of thought I'm going to start tearing into myself about all these things. I'm in a really negative mood right now. I'm thinking of all those stupid things I've done and how worthless I feel about myself. And I let my cat suffer. He could have died a terribly painful death and I didn't do anything. And I can't bear the thought of my precious Radar going through that. If I had just been smarter, better, or something more than me...

I'm going to have to make sure to give Radar some more attention. He deserves so much more than what I can give him but I don't know how I could get along without him.